


I don't want to die, I want to be alive

by secretidentityX



Category: haikyuu
Genre: Hinata been keeping a diary of his life, Hinata doesn't want the team to know, Hinata has a spinocerebellar degeneration disease, Hinata has an illness, Kageyama doesn't know anything, M/M, Story based on one litter of tears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-07-12 11:01:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7100215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretidentityX/pseuds/secretidentityX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata know that he will not be able to play volleyball with Kageyama twenty years in the future because of his illness.  He been keeping it as a secret from the team. The team began to realise his strange behaviour. Kageyama notice it to but afraid to ask Hinata, he doesn't want to make him uncomfortable.What will happen to Hinata?...will he survived or the other way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I want to write a story where Hinata is sick........if you liie it please leave a kudos and comment. ........X

"Mom, I am going now" Hinata said to his mother opening the front door. 

"Have a nice trip" his mother said, she is in the kitchen cooking for her husband and Natsu. Hinata open the door and start to run slowly, he is excited to play volleyball with Kageyama and the team. He run for about twenty minute when he suddenly saw Kageyama coming from the other route."Kage-" he shouted, he couldn't finish Kageyama name because he suddenly fell down, he couldn't feel his leg.  __ _"What is happening to me,  why I couldn't feel my legs, what is-"._ __ __" Oi baka , what are doing, what happen to you? "

"Ah, Kageyama it's nothing, I just triped on my own leg, hahaha. ..did I made you worry,  you sure love me huh Yamayama-kun".

"Baka...I just want to make sure that my partner is okay"

"Yes I got it sir"

"Don't call me sir"

"Haha are shy Kageyama-kun"

they are acting like an idiot couple, they didn't even dating in the first place.They walk to the school talking about volleyball. Hinata has a normal day like the other day except for the strange thing that happen to him in this morning. 

* * *

"Mom, I'm back"

"Welcome back, Sho-chan"

"Niichan, welcome back"

"I'm back Natsu" Hinata said patting on his sister head.

"By the way Mom"

"Yeah?"

"This morning when I was walking to the school, my leg suddenly stopped working"

"What do you mean it stopped working??"

"I couldn't move my leg"

"Shouyou, are okay, are hurt anywhere? "

" It's okay,  just a little scratch from the fall"

"Let's go to the hospital tomorrow"

"What about school? "

"I'll call your teacher to tell that you will absent because of health problem"

"Okay, I'm gonna be in my room"

"Take a bath first"

"Later"

Hinta goes in his room and throw his body on the bed. He pull out his phone from his bag.

* * *

* * *

_H:Kageyama. ..........what are            you doing? ?:-D_   


_K:Nothing...just reading a volleyball magazine_

_H:Oh_

_K:What is the problem?_

_H:What problems?_

_K:Then what is the explanation  of yor lack reaction of the "volleyball magazine" that I mention. ...you usually will ask thing like"what is the main topic, did our school appear in it, and blah...blah...blah"_

_H:Bakageyama > o <_

_K:Shut up.......so what is wrong?_

_H:Oh tomorrow I will be absent  ...so I will not come for practice and please tell the team_

_K:Where are you going tomorrow?_

_H:It's a secret....goodnight ^♡^_

_K:Ok.......Night=_=_

* * *

* * *

"Haha...what a funny emoticon" Hinata laugh before going to take a bath.

Hinata take a bath, have a dinner and go to sleep earlier than usually because he gotta wake up early to go to Hospital. 

"You-Shouyou-Shouyou! Wake up"

"Huh....wha-"

Thud....He fall from his bed.

"Owh....Mom why are you shouting in the morning"

"Morning?? ? it's already 12 pm"

"Wha- when is the appointment wit the doctor? ?"

"It's 1pm"

"Oh I've got a time to be ready"

"Then quick"

"What about Natsu? I told father to brought her to my parent house"

"What? ?!!....Grandma and Grandpa house.....I want to go too"

"Stop with the whining and get ready already"

"Okay~"

Hinata got ready and go to the Hospital with his mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So Doctor what is wrong with my son?"

"Ma'am could I talk with you in private"

"Sure, Shouyou go outside and wait for me"

"Yeah...."

Kacahak....

"So Doctor what is wrong? "

"Your so has a Spinocerebellar Degeneration"

"What is that?"

"As you can see in the monitor, it's your son brain"

"Brain??!!, wwhat's wrong with my son brain"

"As you can see here, your son cerebellum in his brain is  slowly being deteriorates"

"What will happen to him"

" He will slowly lose his ability to walk, speak, write or eat "

"No..no...no.."

Hinata mother began to cry, the doctor ask if it's okay to tell Hinata. She nod and the doctor go outside, Hinata look at the doctor with a shocked eyes. He began to cry and he look at his mother that's just out from the doctor room.

"Mom, it's a joke right,  I'm dreaming right, Mom tell me that I'm dreaming!!, Mom!!"

"Sob...sob..Shouyou, I'm sorry it's not a dream....I'm sorry. .sorry Shouyou. ..Oh Shouyou. ...sob..sob why...why....why.."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hinata mom called his husband to take them from the Hospital.  She couldn't drive in her state. She look over Hinata and pat his head.

"Shouyou are okay? "

"No, Mom can I survive?"

"We still don't know that"

"Mom does this mean I'm gonna stop playing volleyball"

"The doctor said you could still play it but the disease could be a problem when you play in a tournament"

"But can I play it in twenty years in the future? "

"I-I don't know"

"Sorry I ask you a stupid question"

"No, it's okay"

"Mother can you keep It a secret from my teacher and my team mates"

"Are you gonna tell them by your self? "

"Yeah I'm gonna tell them when I am ready"

"Okay...."

Hinata father come and bring them back to home.  Hinata doesn't say any word in the car which is strange for his father to look at. His wife isn't smiling either. They drive back to home in silence,  when they have arrived at the home, Hinata run to his room and lock it up.

He lay his body on the bed and start to cry...

to be continued......

__


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the other story that I forgot to post...it is the original chapter two...the chapter two that I posted ago...is just a things I made up using my phone....

"Shouyou, wake up. Time to go to school"  
Hinata wake up and sit at his bed.He want to make sure that what happened yesterday was a reality or a dream.He pinch his hand.  
"Ouch...guess it wasn't a dream"  
He look at his phone and saw an unread massage from Kageyama.Kageyama sent him a picture of them eating at Ukai's store.  
[Kageyama]Are okay?....  
He read the text and suddenly a tear fall on his cheek.  
"Of course....not"  
"Shouyou, are you awake? Time to go to school, I will send you by car so get ready"  
"Yeah"  
Hinata go to the bathroom and get ready he grab a slice of bread and go toward his mother car.  
"Sorry to made you wait"  
"It's okay, Shouyou are sure about going to the school?"  
"Yeah, I'm okay. Why are asking that question?"  
"No, it's that I'm just worried about you with that situation"  
"What situation?"  
"your current health"  
"I'm okay Mom, don't worry. Have you forget who am I? I am your son. I won't be depresed by some problem like that. Beside I can still play volleyball and that is enough for me"  
"Yeah you're right"  
Hinata look at his mother and smile. He told his mother to start moving because he gonna be late.

* * *

  
They arrived at the school and Hinata walk to the school normaly. Nothing has happened to him today.He saw Kageyama at lunch break.  
"Hinata, what happened to you yesterday"  
"Nothing happened, are worried about me Tobio-Chan"  
"Of course I am and don't call me Tobio"  
"Why?"  
"It is embrrassing"  
"Aha- are you blushing right now Kageyama"  
"No way"  
"Don't lie to me "  
"By the way don't you ever absent again"  
"Why I can't?"  
"It because, I won't be able to see you"  
"Are you lonely without me?"  
"Of course"  
Hinata blush at Kageyama honesty and tried to hide his face.  
"Bakageyama"  
"Huh??!!?Wha-"  
Hinata talk before Kageyama could finish his word  
"Let's go "  
"Go where?"  
"To grab lunch"  
"Let's go"  
When school is over he race with Kageyama to the gym. Hinata hope that his illness won't attack him today. Kageyama won the race. Hinata is panting more than usually.  
"Hinata are really okay?"  
"Yeah, one hundred percent"  
He smile at him trying to make sure that Kageyama believed him. He didn't want to make he worry so he tried his best to convice him.  
"Okay...."  
(Hinata definitly hiding some thing from me or It is just my feeling)  
They walk inside the gym. Hinata saw that rest of the team preparing to practice.  
"Ah....Hinata where are you yesterday? we are so suprised when Kageyama told us that you gonna be absent from practice"  
Hinata startled because Tanaka senpai suddenly appear out of nowhere.  
"I have a little bussines to attend"  
"What bussines?"  
Noya-san ask him. All the member surround him in a circle, waiting Hinata to answer the question.  
"Uh.......I-I went to hospital with my mom!!!"  
(Shit !!)  
"What happened to you? Are you sick or what?"  
Daichi-san question really hit the bulleye's  
"My-My stomach is-is hurt that why my mother brought me to the hospital"  
Stuttering with his word he managed to escaped from telling them the truth.  
"You really have a bad stomach does'nt you Hinata"  
Sugawara said looking at him with such a pityfull eyes  
"Ye-Yeah right"  
Hinata said avoiding his eye's from the rest of the team.  
"Alright....you two go change your school uniform, we gonna start the practice in five minutes so get ready quickly"  
"Yes!!"  
Kageyama and Hinata shout together.

* * *

  
The week pass with a normal day. Hinata illness haven't attacked him for the last week. It's now monday, after school bell rang Hinata and Kageyama race with each other like usually. The practice start without any problem.  
"Hinata!!"  
Kageyama shout at him and Hinata spike the ball flat to the other side of the net.  
"Yes!!!"   
The two of them shout. Satisfied with today practice.  
"Hinata, goodjob"  
Kageyama said lifting his hand to high five with Hinata. Hinata want to touch Kageyama hand when suddenly something happen. He fall to the court with a loud bang.  
"Hinata!!"  
("My leg...why it isn't moving...why...why now....move leg...meve....you are my leg aren't you....so why...why you don't move......move please....")  
"Nata-Hinata!!"  
"Huh....Kageyama"  
"Why are you spacing out"  
"Uh...no, I'm okay"  
"Stand up....Daichi-san told us to gather around, he want to tell us the school that we will have a practice match with"  
"Yeah...wait a minute "  
("Move you damn leg....move...you should be listening to me...why you don't want to listen to me.....you damn leg")  
"Hinata are having problem there?"  
"Uh....My-"  
Before he could finish his word he began to fell his leg moving again,  
"I'm okay"  
He stand up and walk with Kageyama. He is still wobbling, trying to walk with his leg that just start to work.He almost fall again but captured by Kageyama.  
"Are you really okay? Do you want to go to the school clinic's?"  
"No, I'm fine really. Thank you for worrying about me "  
"My pleasure"  
"Wow....you're so polite don't you Kageyama-kun"  
"I'am not"  
Kageyama blush so hard that Hinata start to blush a little  
"Why are you blushing!! It start to make me blush too"  
"Stop it I'm not blushing"  
"Hahaha..so cute"  
"Hmph..."  
Hinata is laughing like usually but he is trying to hide his worried feeling. He is worried if his illness will get worse. He don't want to think negative so he tell himself that he will be okay and this illness will be cured.  
"I want to be alive.."  
Hinata said whispering   
"Huh...are saying something Hinata?"  
"No.. Nothing...Kageyama let's go there quickly..they are waiting for us"  
"Uh...Yeah"  
(I heard hinata saying something like alive....is it just my imagination?)  
Kageyama and Hinata go toward the team  
"You two is so late, We've been waiting over here like for one hour"  
"Tanaka, we have been here just ten minutes you know. Stop making up story"  
"It is okay don't you think... I just want to remind them, that it's not okay to made other waiting"  
"That is right Ryuu...You want to teach them a good thing"  
"Right Noya-san"  
"Yeah"  
The two of them look at Ennoshita with a creepy smile  
"Ughhh..."  
"Stop bothering Ennoshita you two"  
"Okay..."  
"So about the school that we will have a practice match it is Aobajhousai,Nekoma,Fukuroudani and Shiratorizawa. We will live there for one month"  
"What about school?"  
Suddenly Ukai-san go at the front  
"The school has give us permission to go to a training camp for our national competition.If we won the national's the school will give the club a speciality"  
"What speciality?"  
"We can go to training camp with the school money that they give the clubfor each game that we won"  
All the team smile at each other  
"so about the practice match or I should say now traing camp...make sure to bring things that you need...don't forget to bring clothes and other thing.We will stay at Aobajhousai...I dont know where we will sleep but I sure we will be okay"  
"Yeah"  
All the team shout and smiled. Hinatadoesn't know if his mother will allow him to go to that training camp.But he will beg if she won't allow him. He start to think an excuses to let his mother allow him to go. Hinata go outside and call his mother  
"Mom....can you give me a ride . Yes, it attacked me again...yeah sure...I have something to tell you...later.. I will tell you face to face...yeah...goodbye"  
("I hope the illness could just go away...I want my past life...where I am healthy and nothing to stop me from playing the volleyball....")  
"Huh...please don't stop me from playing volleyball you stupid illness"  
Hinata said it and go inside the gym.He does'nt notice that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi heard him saying that.


	3. the secret

"Mom, I'm going to the school now"

"Yes, be careful okay"

"Yes Ma'am"

"Have you took your medicine yet?"

"Don't worry, I  had just took it earlier"

"Really"

"Yeah, I'm going now....or else I will be late"

"Yes, have a nice trip"

"Goodbye"

Hinata smile at his mother and walk away. The news about his disease made him laid on the bed for about 6 hour, they arrived at home from Hospital at four o'clock so it is ten o'clock when he go outside from his room to eat.

He saw his mother and father in the kitchen , they were talking about his disease.  He heard only a little part of it. Where his father said that he will need to eat medicine everyday.

He then go to the kitchen and  sit at the table together with his parents. He told them that they don't have to worry about him because he will live his life to the fullest. He then asked his mother for a food. His mother go and  grab the food for him. They sit and continue to talk about the usual topic and laughs happily, they laugh but their face is still look so sad to Hinata. He just brush it off and finish his food, he then go to the bathroom to take a bath. He go to his room and look at his phone.The battery is dead,  he plug his phone to a charger and turn it on. The phone is full of unread messages, it was all from kageyama.

K>Hey are you okay

K>=_=

K> where are you

K>Hinata? ??

K> it is so boring without you here

K>.....call me when you get home

Hinata nearly cry when he saw the last message

K> Hinata I couldn't imagine that you will never play volleyball with me together....forever

He know that Kageyama doesn't know about his disease, he once again lay down on his bed and tried to sleep so that he will not cry.He wake up and get ready for school.

that what happened to him after they got back from the hospital. 

Hinata run to the school and saw Kageyama coming from the other route. He run past him and Kageyama follow him from behind. They race to the school like usually. 

"Dumbass, don't just run like that. It's cheating"

"Hahaha. ...are you complaining"

"Ugh- by the way, where are you yesterday.  You didn't even answer my message and call me"

"Yeah. ...sorry my phone is dead yesterday"

"So...where are you yester-"

Coming from behind there is Tanaka and Nishinoya

"HINATA! !!!"

"Ah!!!??- Tanaka senpai don't scare me like that"

"Good job Ryuu"

"Thank's"

"Hinata where are you yesterday? "

"Uh...-"

The three of them are watching at Hinata with such a scary eyes.

"I had to go to the hospital"

Realising that he just blurted the truth he quickly put his hand on his mouth

"What are you doing at hospital? "

Kageyama ask him with a worried face

"My-My Sto-Stomach is Hurt so I went to check my stomach at hospital"

"Really? ?"

"Yes...let's go inside the gym now. ....the practice gonna start"

Hinata walk in the gym and the rest of the team go near him and ask about why he was absent yesterday.  Of course he use the same excuses. They just laugh the thing off and continue the thing they've just done.

Hinata had a normal day for almost one week before it all happened. 

"Hinata! !!"

Kageyama shout and Hinata spike the ball. They scored and high fived with each other. 

"Nice pass"

"Nice spike"

They look at each other and smile. Hinata return to his position when his leg suddenly stopped working.  He fall down and made all the team shocked. 

"Hinata!!"

Kageyama shout running towards him. 

" Are you hurt anyway??"

"No my leg just slipped"

"Really"

"Yeah"

"Can you stand??"

Hinata look at his leg and tried to move it. His leg doesn't even made a single movement. 

"Um...can you help me to stand??"

"Sure, where should I put you"

"Near the wall"

Kageyama carry Hinata and put him near the wall. Shimizu come towards hinata to make sure that he is alright. Kageyama go back inside the court after Shimizu told him that there is no problem with Hinata. 

Kageyama inform the team and Daichi said to the team to continue the practice. Tsukishima grab Yamaguchi and drag him outside

"Wait tsukki-"

"Tsukishima where are you going? "

Daichi said

"To the toilet"

"Huh-???"

"Oh.....Tsukishima is a scared that is why he need to bring Yamaguchi with him"

Tanaka said teasing Tsukishima

"Wha-????"

Tsukishima said responding

"Shut up"

"Nice one Tanaka senpai"

Hinata said..he tried to move his leg again. It moved and he can stand...he go outside the gym and sit at the back of the gym

"Time to eat"

He take his medicine from his pocket and eat it.

"Bitter"

He then put his medicine back and said

"You dumb disease please just go away"

He said it and go inside the gym again. He doesn't even notice that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi is hiding behind the wall

"Tsukki Hinata just said disease right? "

"Forget it...let just continue"

Tsukishima lean forward and kiss Yamaguchi lightly on his lips.

"Tsukki!!!.....stop it ...we're at school. ..wait until we're outside the school will you"

"Okay....okay ....stop nagging at me like my mother"

" By the way Hinata just said go away disease right? ??"

"Yeah...why?"

"Does it mean that he is sick?"

"Don't just make a conclusion like that"

"Yeah"

"We don't know yet so leave it alone"

"Are you sure you don't want to ask Hinata? "

"Yeah...beside it is a pain in the ass"

"Okay"

Yamaguchi said with a sad face

"Ugh....you look so cute right now let me kiss you"

"No way"

Yamaguchi said and push Tsukishima away and go inside the gym. Tsukishima follow him from behind with a irritated looks at his face. The two of them go inside the gym and look at Hinata.

Hinata was talking with Kageyama with a happy face it just made Tsukishima even irritated.

* * *

Hinata put his medicine in his bag and talk with kageyama, he looking at him with a big smile trying to make Kageyama not worried about him more. 

 

 

Hinata look at him and they talk until the practIce is over.


	4. Back to square one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't have any Idea how to continue this story...BTW enjoy

Hinata days past without any trouble. He thought that he able to live like the past. Until one day, Yamaguchi told him to stay after club practice over behind the gym.  
"Yamaguchi...What do you want?"  
"Hinata, let me ask you."  
Yeah, what?"  
"Does you have any...illness or something like that?"  
"Uh.."  
Hinata doesn't know how to answer it. He is lost in thought. What if...he tell him the truth...will it make things better...or worse.  
"Is this a joke...Hahaha..Nice obe"  
He said trying to avoid the question but Yamaguchi face didn't look like he is joking.  
"Hinata. Answer my question.Seriously"  
"Hahaha....Why are you getting seri-"  
"Hinata."  
"Stop...Don't say anything...I don't want to hear it"  
"Hi-"  
"STOP!!"  
Tears began to fall on his cheeks. Kageyama go to check on Hinata. He saw Hinata is crying and he ran toward Hinata.  
"Hinata..what happened?"  
He look over Yamaguchi and grab his collar.  
"YAMAGUCHI!! What the fuck you've done!!"  
"Wa-"  
Tsukishima went to look over Yamaguchi after he finished changed his clothes. He saw his boyfriend in that situation.  
"KAGEYAMA!!"  
A fist fly towards Kageyama faces.  
"Tsukishima!! What the hell!"  
"Let me tell you. don't mess with my man or I'll chop your head off"  
"What!?"  
"Don't you hear me. Don't mess with my man beacuse of that sick brat!"  
"Who is sick brat?"  
"Oh..So he hadn't told you yet that he is-"  
"Stop it"  
They look over Hinata. He is pale and shaking, in a second he's on the dirt  
"Hinata!!"

* * *

* * *

  
His eyes is heavy and his head feel like it's been hit by a baseball bat. He get up and saw Kageyama sleeping beside him.  
"Ugh...my head"  
"Hinata?"  
Kageyama said slowly opening his eyes.  
"I've must fallen asleep"  
"Good morning Kageyama"  
"How does you feel?"  
"I'm okay?"  
A woman come through the door and closed it.  
"Mom"  
"Sorry for the intrusion"  
Kageyama said politely  
"It's okay...by the way Shouyou..do you remember your illness?"  
"What illness??"  
He said it with a clueless looks on his face. His mother start to wobble. Kageyama quickly grab Hinata mother to prevent her from falling down.  
"Thank you...could you help me walk?"  
"Sure"  
They left Hinata alone in the room dumbfounded

* * *

* * *

  
"Your son might had an amnesia but don't worry he will regain it back in a few hours or longger."  
"What?...I thought that he will have trouble to remember things later."  
"He might had an amnesia because of the stress that is building in his mind, it made him want to forget it on purpose"  
"What?"  
"Mabye this young man might have an explanation to make because he look like he will faint any seconds"  
"Tobio-kun?"


End file.
